We’ve all experienced some form of criticism at one point in our lives. Criticism can be a helpful tool to aid growth and evolution in our personal and professional lives. In a working environment, it is often an annual point of reflection and opportunity for growth. But the sting of criticism can leave you feeling insecure or defensive, making it difficult to process it constructively and know how best to respond. You may even wonder if the criticism you are receiving is actually a reflection of you or someone else’s frustration or negativity. These can be tricky feelings to navigate. We consulted BACP registered Psychotherapeutic Counsellor Suzi Hutton, to understand how we can process and respond to criticism from a more objective position, turning painful feedback into real growth.
Beyond simply accepting feedback, what’s a healthy process for learning from criticism to promote personal growth?
To grow from criticism, move towards hearing feedback from your Adult Ego State. This mindset allows you to depersonalise the criticism, reframing what was said into realistic and achievable actions. In doing so, you can use the feedback as a tool for self-improvement rather than a source of distress.
From a psychological perspective, why do we take criticism so personally, and what role does our “inner critic” play in that reaction?
Criticism often feels personal because it is directed at the individual rather than their behaviour. For example, hearing “you put in a rubbish performance” can be interpreted as “you are rubbish,” regardless of the critic’s intent. When criticised, we typically process the message from our Child Ego State, rather than as a rational adult who could consider the criticism logically and potentially dismiss it as mere opinion or untrue.
What immediate, in-the-moment strategies can someone use when they feel the sting of criticism?
When you feel the sting of criticism, there are several immediate strategies you can use to manage your response. First, take a moment to pause, breathe deeply and mindfully, and, if possible, take a small physical step to help ground yourself. Then, reflect back what you have heard by saying something like, “I notice that you sound angry, frustrated, or upset, and you believe I have [criticism]. Is that right? Am I correct?”
Drawing on Transactional Analysis, particularly the Parent, Adult, Child (PAC) model by Berne (1961), we often experience criticism from our Child Ego State, which can lead to feelings of upset or anger. By pausing to breathe and ground yourself, you give yourself time to digest and understand the criticism objectively. When you respond by reflecting and clarifying, you are engaging your Adult Ego State, which allows for a more evidence-based, less emotive response.
It is also important to recognise that the criticism may be coming from the other person’s Parent (specifically, Critical Parent) Ego State. By choosing to respond from your Adult Ego State, you can avoid a cycle of Critical Parent/Child interactions and promote a more constructive exchange.
How can we tell the difference between constructive criticism and simply being a target for someone’s frustration or negativity?
It can be challenging, especially in the heat of the moment, to discern whether the feedback we receive is constructive criticism or if we are simply the target of another person’s frustration or negativity.
To help distinguish between the two, pay close attention to the words used and observe body language. Signs such as finger pointing and raised or aggressive voices typically indicate that you are being subjected to someone’s frustration or negativity, rather than receiving constructive feedback.
In contrast, constructive criticism is usually delivered in a calmer manner. The feedback is balanced, focused on actions and behaviours, and does not become personal. A calm delivery and an objective viewpoint are hallmarks of constructive feedback.
When is it time to set a boundary with a person who is constantly critical, and what is an effective way to do so without being confrontational?
It is time to set a boundary with someone who is persistently critical when you instinctively feel it is necessary. This feeling is not tied to a specific thought or time, but rather an internal sense that a boundary is needed.
The most effective way to set this boundary is to ground yourself—pause, breathe, and speak from the first-person using phrases such as “I am” or “I feel.” Clearly state that you have noticed a pattern of criticism and explain the impact it has on you when you hear it regularly. Then, suggest how you would like to receive feedback in the future, making it clear that the current pattern of criticism should stop.
Featured image: Monstera Production, Pexels
